There are tons of awkward sexual situations that you can somehow always get past with a laugh or simply just brushing under the carpet and never mentioning again. Farting, falling asleep, being on phones (weird but not unheard of) or the ever-dreaded queef; we’ve all been there. There is one particular problemo, however, that every woman will have struggled with at least once within her lustful life without having a clue how to go about it gracefully. We all know how important it is to wear the right protection, but how do you tell him without it becoming a thing. How can you get him to wear the f*cking thing when it feels like he’s definitely (over)done his research on excuses?!
Our top tip is to stay relaxed but still be forward enough to get what you want without killing the mood. No matter what excuse he might bring up, here are some odds and sods from us on how to keep the peel on that banana! If all else fails and you’re absolutely blanking for an answer he won’t challenge, just use your (dark) sense of humour!
"It’s Too Big Babe"
The worst combo of laziness and often pure rubbish is the classic “All the condoms I’ve tried are too small and really hurt”. Do not fall for this. He just wants to express the colossal size of his junk and doesn't feel like wearing a condom. Of course, while the size aspect may not be the worst thing in the world, it’s not a valid excuse! If he doesn’t at least want to try it or make the effort to bring condoms specially tailored to fit his disco stick then make sure he knows you can easily find someone else to boogie with! We don’t just not wear glasses because we haven’t found the right prescription do we?!
"It’s Not The Same Babe"
Lots of guys will also tell you “it’s just not the same/i want to feel close to you”, but again, there shouldn’t be any reason for him to get out of wearing one if you have expressed your desire to have protected and mutually consensual sex. Now, while he may make a fair point about his enjoyment for the more intimate and natural feel, make him aware that you won’t give in and he will either have to get used to it or start joining the other rejects. You can also attempt being blunt by replying to the statement above with a simple “neither’s my cycle since I started contraception, but I still use it/make the effort/take the precaution”
"I’m Allergic To Latex Babe"
A common attempt at condom evasion is the line “I’m allergic to latex”. Okay, cool, I respect that you have an allergy and I can’t force you to use anything that might make you react badly. But cum on – any guy with a latex allergy should have had an alternative contraception sussed out by the time he were at least sixteen. Again, if you wanted to go for a more sassy one-liner, you could say something along the lines of “that’s a shame I’m allergic to the absence of it” or anything blunt and witty to make him realise he can either just wear one or go home to think of a better excuse.
"It Will Kill The Mood"
Another old chestnut is him claiming he won't be able to finish with a condom as it will kill the mood. Harsh words as that can lead you to question “am I not attractive enough” or “am I not doing the right things”. In some cases, it might not hurt to accidentally on purpose let that exact point fall out of your mouth, just to see how he reacts – is he smooth or does he stumble over his words? Either way you will be able to gauge at least a bit more about your partner and how honest they’re being, and how you can ultimately make it clear that there will only be fun times if safety can be guaranteed. For those who prefer a bold and brazen approach, respond to his ‘”It will kill the mood” with a “So will I when I announce my accidental pregnancy at your next family gathering.”
"My Pull Out Game Is Strong Babe"
A further favourite in the hall of fame for crappy excuses is when he tells you he can “just pull out”. Ah, god bless the innocence! Ignorance more like. Let’s start with the candid yet explicit comeback: “Can you afford child support?”. But on a more serious note, if any man ever dares to use such a cheap and futile excuse on you, he needs to be swiftly informed that sex simply doesn’t work like that. We've all experienced the wuthering heights of doing the deed with someone you’re impenetrably attracted to and we all know that such immense pleasure can impair your senses. So, for his pull-out game to be that good, he must not be that stimulated at all!
"I’m Clean Babe"
One final but obvious tactic is to explain that condoms work both ways! To generalise, guys don’t like wearing condoms, and most of those guys presume that the barrier they provide is purely to protect our woohoo. Be that as it may, have they ever considered that it provides just as much protection for them? Guys seem to be less bothered about STIs and UTIs when they are just as vulnerable to end up with one if they don’t use the appropriate protection. So when he says “Don’t worry, I’ve been checked recently”, throw it back in his face and ask him if he knew that while guys don’t normally develop thrush, women can still pass it onto them through unprotected sex just as easily as they can an STD. Hell, get some photos up while you're at it.
It can be hard to bring up your needs while being intimate but try and remember that sex is not like it is in the movies. It's supposed to be messy, awkward, fumbly and funny. The main thing is that you should feel comfortable. Comfortable in your skin and comfortable in the knowledge that you are having safe sex. So next time, have the lady-balls to tell him he ain’t getting nada without a sombrero on his cactus!
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