Never make eye contact when eating a banana.
Orgasms are like cooking. I can do it myself but I prefer when someone else does it.
Best friends don’t care if your house is clean. They care if you have wine.
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
This week I’ve been fucking busy. I wish it was the other way round.
Having a dirty mind makes ordinary conversations a lot more interesting.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does tequila. Your choice.
No fake friends. No fake orgasms.
Life is like sex. You can either lie back and let it screw you or you can get on top and ride the hell out of it.
Life is too short to pretend you’re not into some kinky shit.
Men are like tights. Either they run, they cling or they don’t fit right in the crotch.
Tomorrow is National Orgasm Day. Are you coming?
If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.
Don’t play hard to get, play hard to forget.
Pretending to look busy on a Friday is the hardest work I do all week.
My sex life is like a Ferrari. I don’t have a Ferrari.
I believe in sex on the first date, otherwise how do you know if a second date is worth the effort?
Life’s too short to wear mediocre underwear.
My sexual preference is often.
All underwear is sexy underwear when you take it off.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small glass of wine.
I solemnly swear that this weekend I will be up to no good.
When you stretch and your inner porn star moan comes out.
I do not like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
Having a vagina doesn’t stop me from believing my balls are bigger than yours.
Your face would look better between my legs.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
It’s been a long day. I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
My ideal body weight is yours on mine.
I’ll be working and masturbating from home today.
It’s not the size of the boat or the motion of the ocean, it’s whether or not the captain can stay in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.
No pain, no champagne.
I have sex daily. Sorry, I meant dyslexia.
My silence does not mean that your sexual performance left me speechless.
Skip the spooning and go straight to forking.