Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Sarah Jane. You can call me SJ! I am a Sex and Relationship Columnist, a mad for anything sexual erotic party host and, I believe Female First called me an Agony Aunt the other week.
So, how are all of you beautiful people coping in your isolation bubbles? I’ve had to learn quickly to re-adjust and get cosy in my flat in South London because I knew this would certainly be a long one!
So what are we supposed to do now then eh? Just shrivel up and die in our flats? No no! I’m not down for that proposed scenario and I know you aren’t either! This is the perfect time to get creative, the perfect time to get to know the ones nearest to you in isolation, reconnect over zoom with people you haven’t spoken to in ages and an even MORE perfect time to get to know the most important person...YOU!
There are hundreds of millions of youtube videos we can be watching to not only entertain us in a time of complete quietness but also better ourselves. I don’t know about you but I have been using my spare time productively, I am signing on to new courses, reading more books, watching motivational videos and not to mention the fact I have had more showers than the monsoon season in the Caribbean. I am even taking double takes at myself in my mirror because I look super damn shiny and well, CLEAN, I was gonna say younger but I’m good with clean lol.
We have the world in our hands right now and when I say ‘the world’ I mean we have all the time in the world and we mustn’t fuck it up. So much to do, so much time to do it in. However, if I get any more annoying messages from men (there are a few women) but mostly guys, telling me that they are bored, I’m gonna swing a cream cake catapult at their heads. What is there to be bored of? The NHS staff are doing enough for us, we must be supporting not moaning! I guess that brings me into the equation because I am here to end your quarrels.
So! Coffee? Tea? Sit down, grab a biscuit because I’m just getting started!
Now that we have taken care of ourselves, let's take a second to talk about all of you guys who are struggling to cope with time apart from your significant others, loved ones, or sexual partners.
I’m not sure what’s worse, being inside with the same person day in and day out, being with an annoying sibling or parent(s), or in general going bat-shit crazy on your tod!?
The thing is my lovelies, we’re all gonna go bat-shit-whatever at some point and I know it's hard, but it can be very easy if you change your mindset!
Not being able to kiss, to touch, to feel is a growing nightmare, I know, I’ve been there and this lack of physical intimacy can drive you bonkers.
But guess what, we are living in a time where technology will most definitely save us from our downfall. So grab your phones, get on zoom, get on skype, order some new sex toys and improvise! We have all the time in the world now to get emotionally connected with our partners. And who’s to say we enjoy the constant interaction, (do we always)? brushing shoulders with your partner every 5 minutes. We all need a break, we are human – don’t get confused and think you always have to be readily available, you don’t! We can take this time to revalue, readjust and love ourselves a little bit more. You may grow to like it.
The time will come when we will see our partners again and it will be totally worth the wait.
My favourite is to try and create a normal Tuesday night scenario where you both get dressed and go out, you can zoom each other getting ready, share a glass of virtual wine, talk to each other, tell him to wear that favourite top you like, wear that lingerie he loves. Be expressive, be dynamic, play it sexy and express yourself even more so – give each other something to look forward to! Isn’t that exciting and it's only Tuesday! What happens next Tuesday?!
We all know what Roman poet Sextus Propertious gave us in the earliest form, saying, “Always toward absent lovers love’s tide stronger flows.” Not to get all do-lally gooey on you but it’s certainly true!
Hard times need desperate measures and for this we can substitute with toys, facetime, Zoom, Skype and if we dismiss all of the above – don’t you think it's nice to spend alone time and get to know yourself again? This is the perfect time to be very selfish and work on changes, things you don’t do more of? Reading more and insular self-analyzing is really quite an amazing experience. When you and your partner meet again you will have lots of new exciting things to tell each other and share new things you learnt about yourselves.
Sex and intimacy, if, too much on tap, quite frankly - gets as dull as dishwater. This long-winded space between you both will phenomenally and positively change your relationship, for the better.
Trust me. I speak from experience.
I went out the other day and bought old school board games, I sat for an hour writing poetry about completely random things like the sky, lost love, sex and my old cat. I signed up to Udemy.com and now I am qualified in cunnilingis and blow jobs, and even have the virtual certificates for proof if you don’t believe me! I have learned that my mum can be a pain in the arse but she is just set in her ways, I’m not going to change her and I love her more for that.
I have learned to dismiss certain so-called “friends” in my life because through this isolation I’ve not received one call from the people that I expected to worry for me. I am talking to my dad more as we always had a rocky relationship and I have learned so much about people's faults and accepted them ‘just the way they are.’ This is a huge learning curve for all of us and we must remain calm and thankful, embrace this present, today we are thankful and tomorrow doesn’t matter right now.
I hope we see more of each other and all you beauties reading this enjoy every day like it was your last. We only live once and life is precious.