Rediscovering myself.. in my late forties?!


Last night I lived the best sexual fantasy of my life with a beautiful, super fit man, 20 years younger than me.  We had never met in real life until last night and had only been messaging for a few days.  This is the message he sent me the day before,
‘I think we are both on the same wavelength, I have been wondering if you might be open to trying something?’
I thought oh, that’s a shame, no I don’t want whips and chains this is disappointing, I bet that’s what’s coming.  
‘What do you think to this scenario, I arrive at your house and let myself in, you are already in bed in your lingerie? I come upstairs and strip off, we make love, then get to know each other afterwards in bed, the lighting down low.’
Yes I thought, oh my god yes, that sounds incredible. I was able to be completely honest, without any inhibitions and without allowing my old conformist good-girl self to auto respond.  
‘Yes I said that sounds amazing.  But we are not allowed to talk until afterwards.’  
His answer was the Shushing face emoji. 
OMG it was on.  Too exciting. 

The anticipation was the most delicious thing ever. 

This boy, Charlie, was very, very attractive, half Japanese half French.  A very talented skateboarder with perfect biceps and abs and a 1000 kilowatt gleaming smile.  I wanted him. 
He let me know when he was on the road and said he’d message when he was five minutes away.  I told him how to navigate his way through the house to get to my bedroom and warned him there was a sleeping dog, two cats and a tumble dryer, all of which could make noise.  
‘I think I’ll be ok but the tumble dryer might scare me to death!’
Later that evening I got a message, he was arriving imminently omg omg, so hot,

no doubts, no fear, just excitement. 

The bedroom was lit by candlelight and I lay on the bed in my lingerie on my tummy, just too shy to look as he came in. I heard the door go downstairs. Somebody coming up the wooden staircase. Then he was on the bed, he smelt so good, the first kisses, first touch.  I felt very desirable, not body conscious, not ugly or old and wrinkly, just wanted, desirable. This was going to be an incredible and delicious memory. What a world away this was to how I’d felt just over a year ago. 
Just over a year ago my marriage dissolved, it ceased to be, my husband left me after nearly 30 years together, we were high school sweethearts.  He had been having an affair and was leaving me for the other woman. Bam! He wasn’t who I thought he was.  Crippling fear for the screwed up futures of my children and a week of dry retching on the bathroom floor, what the hell am I going to do. What is there for me now?  Who the hell am I?
This was one of those times when all you can control is how you respond to the trauma.  I had a choice, I chose to make myself happy, to put good things in my life and be a beaming shining happy mother for my children. I didn’t want them to have to feel responsible for me.  To feel they had to prop me up or cheer me up.  I wanted the dynamic for them to remain, strong happy mum, warm comforting home.  
How I got there has been actually totally transformative and I want women my age and older to know, life after a broken marriage is never the end of you, it is the very beautiful birth of you, the opportunity to engage with yourself, what you want and what the world can offer you.
I resolved to take a city break.  I was actually on a bit of a mission.  I hadn’t been in the company of a man, apart from my husband since I was a teenager.  In my whole adult life I had never been on a date, had a coffee, and even chatted to a man, as a single woman. I was really scared of becoming a cliché, the dumped ex that can’t be touched by a man without crying even years after the break up. I needed to get some dating done and soonest, like ripping off the band aid. 
I booked flights to New York and set myself the challenge of downloading a dating app and meeting 3 men, for coffee, that was the plan. 
I started to think about a dating profile while I was still at home.  This was tough having felt invisible for 20 plus years, I still remember telling a colleague at work that I had lost my sparkle, I was 30.  Gives you an idea of where my marriage was even then, I just couldn’t see it.  The result was I didn’t like having my picture taken, I felt awkward and frumpy. My ex didn’t take pictures of me either. I stood in my bedroom and took some pics in the mirror.  It’s cringy when you first do it, totally, but I just did it anyway and stuck with a couple I thought were ok.  
I think It’s important to say, I lost weight after the breakup because I was unable to eat, but I am no supermodel.  I’m a reasonably attractive woman in her late 40’s, I’m ok.  I’m not stunning.  I just did this because I had to make myself engage. 
So I landed in NYC. The first thing I did after dumping my bags was run along the banks of the Hudson River. The second thing I did was go back to my little apartment and sob, hard, for the first time in weeks, like all good British cries it lasted all of three minutes.  I stopped snivelling, grabbed my phone and downloaded tinder, third thing, best thing, life changing thing. 
I matched and met a guy, roughly my age, the next day, it was nice. Ball was rolling, luckily for me that afternoon, after the first date, I met my old boss, he had relocated to New York.  He had known me as ME at work, not as the other half of the all too perfect couple. We caught up and laughed about my Tinder profile, after some gentle ribbing he asked me if I just wanted to meet people for coffee while I was there or did I want more, did I want sex with someone.  
There is nothing like your whole world shattering in your late forties for enabling you to let go of all your good girl instincts and be truly honest with yourself about what you want.  I was far away, I was anonymous and yes I wanted sex.  He told me to set the age much much lower I thought it was ridiculous but what did I have to lose, I did it. 
Ok. this is important, this is the biggest unspoken truth that all older women need to know.  Younger men are seriously, extremely attracted to older women.  Not just in a dirty porn, milf, stepmom way. In a yearning, infatuated, you-have-something-younger-women-don’t-have way. 

You are completely desirable.  

My tinder went crazy, in a 7km radius, I got 3 thousand likes from men between the ages of 28 and 35.  The ones I matched with were legitimate and I have to say beautiful, godlike, perfect physically, intelligent and eloquent.
Why do I want to meet and have sex with younger men? I like the thrill, I like the confidence they have and the tenderness, I like to feel desired.  I could get some of this dating a man my age I guess but so far, the older men I have matched with want a serious relationship.
My fear is that if I go into a relationship with someone at this point I will revert to the submissive role I had in my marriage.  This I want to avoid, it wasn’t good for me, it set a terrible blueprint for my children and it destroyed my self-worth.  
Submissive in bed with a 25 year old, happy with that however! Very. When I got back from New York I was so thrilled, and positive.  Kind of shell-shocked really, I had insanely good sex with two different guys both 15 years younger than me and completely beautiful. I couldn’t believe women my age were desirable.  But high on this new discovery I set my location settings to the closest town away from my hometown and began swiping. 
The results have been liaisons with a variety of confident sexy younger men, a super confident entrepreneur ex professional footballer, a stunning gym teacher with the best body I have ever seen, an American 6’6 professional basketball player, a crazy naughty mountain biker, a blonde haired, blue eyed sailor, the opportunities are as unique as they are exciting. A few I have seen multiple times.
What do my friends think? Most of them don’t know anything about this, the few that do have been incredibly supportive. They understand I need this time and are as excited as they are shocked to hear what I have been up to, a couple of them have listened wanting to hear the whole story, eyes wide, imaginations running wild.

Fantasy is good and a bit of lust too, we forget how they feel, what it is to stare at someone’s lips or biceps and imagine them kissing you, holding you. 

I am open to being in love again at some point in the future but for now I am happy, this is completely apart from my children, my working life, my social circle. When I know what I like, where I want to go, I can go deeper and have a more serious relationship, I will love that too. 
Just not sure it will be with a man my age I think I like younger men too much.

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